The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 – Review

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 – Review

Film Review by FilmFellaLozz – 3.5/10

Finally the end of the drivel that is the Twilight Saga has arrived in the form of the fifth movie in the franchise, Breaking Dawn Part 2. To refresh your memory, here are my thoughts on Part 1. For the past 5 years, the cinema going public has had to endure this vampiric nonsensical bullshit surrounding Edward Cullen and Bella Swan’s blossoming romance. But not anymore; that shit’s over with now, so you can take a sigh of relief and wipe your weary brow. I’d like to say that this movie was the worst of the bunch, but unfortunately it wasn’t the dire monotonous rubbish that was it’s direct predecessor. Don’t get me wrong; it’s still terrible cinema, but not the flaming stink nugget that I was expecting. I better tell you what this one’s about then…

Ah but before that, here’s a very brief synopsis of the stuff that has come before: Bella (Kristen Stewart) is the angst-ridden teenager who meets Edward, the pale, quiet boy at school. He turns out to be a vampire. She turns out to be an angst-ridden teenager. Then we meet Jacob (Taylor Lautner), the kid who’s built like a brick shithouse – he fancies Bella too…and he’s a werewolf. Vampires and Werewolves don’t like each other. Ed and Bella get married. Jacob gets pissed off. Bella gets pregos. It pops out, but nearly kills her in the process annnnnnnnnnnd…you’re up to date. Four movies to tell that story. Right, okey dokey.

So, now the vamp/human hybrid atrocity must be killed by the Volturi, a kind of vampire council ; you know, because humans are supposed to be food n’all, but because the Volturi are on their way to kill the little bastard, the Cullen family go globe trotting to get some of their mates to help convince the baddies that the baby is the nice kind of cross breed. And this is Breaking Dawn Part 2. Twelve and a half lines of writing somehow became 5 movies!

I think you won’t be surprised to hear that I did not like this movie. I get that I’m not the Twilight demographic, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues with lazy, lackadaisical storytelling, uninspired character development and the money grabbing assholes that are the suits in Hollywoodland that decided that the last book, Breaking Dawn, would be split into two 2-hour long movies. Now having seen Part 2, it just emphasises the fact that Part 1 was so poor because it was never meant to be a movie/story in its own right. Anyway….bare with me while I get off my high horse.

I’m off now. Well, not quite….This movie doesn’t allow for it. The opening dialogue is this – ‘You’re so beautiful’ – really?! Not two minutes in, I had to resist the urge to puke over the couple in front me. The reaction would surely have been more entertaining than the following 2 hours, but the guy was quite big and I’m a pussy. I’m not sure if this is the kinda thing that engages teenage girls and doe-eyed women perving over Jacob’s washboard abs. Apparently it is. But to open with that line asked a lot of me…to just sit there and not throw stuff at the screen was a mean feat indeed. And then we have to sit through K-Pats’ (yes, I did just do that; and yes, it was a twat thing to do) boning session that goes on way too long. At this juncture I must’ve scoffed to myself 4 times. This is 11 minutes in. It’s gotta get better than this…and it pains me to say it, but it actually does. Anything would be better than watching this real life couple get it on in front a log fire.

The vampires: Scary Motherfuckers, right there

With the threat of the Volturi approaching, the Cullens get their Irish buddies, some Russian dudes, an Indian family and two Amazonian tribeswomen to join their clan of friendly vampires. I thought that these guys were there to represent their individual armies. I was wrong. This was everyone that the Cullens could get hold of from their list of contacts. With a combined age of about 3 million, these are the only vampires they could muster. Poor show. So, even the people inside of the Twilight world don’t even like them.

I quite liked the lighting though.

What I couldn’t get my head around is the fact that some the vampires have ‘gifts’. Some can control the elements. Others can electrocute people. And some can use mind control to make people think stuff. Can anyone say X-Men? Or hell, can anybody say Mortal Kombat? Stephanie Meyer, you fucking thief. Are these supposed to be vampires or mutants? Why can’t vampires just be left alone?

I asked a friend of mine, a self confessed Twilight fan why she didn’t hate Breaking Dawn Part 2, and she answered simply with ‘I don’t know’. I’m unsure what more I can say. But I will…

The highlight of Twilight, well this one anyway, was Michael Sheen. He is Aro, the leader of the Volturi. It’s beyond me why he would sign up for this, but he’s here ultra-white skinned with a campness that reminded a little bit of a camp person. He was effeminate and unhinged in equal measure. You can tell he had fun with the character and even though he had about 20 minutes screen time in the entire Saga, he was by far the best actor. Thank you Mr. Sheen.

‘I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and bright. And I pity any girl who isn’t me today’

You can get away with a lot these days as long as the torture, abuse and death is dished out to the undead. You can have numerous decapitations, neck breaks and even a baby being thrown into a fire. And that baby was more a vampire than any other wannabe in all of the five arduous movies. At least he killed a lot of people. Edward and Bella – 11 plus hours of screen time. Awesome baby vampire – 11 seconds.

Having not read the Twilight books, the end actually came as a bit of a surprise. No, they didn’t all die – that would’ve been splendid though. The final section wasn’t completely awful. I would like to say they ended on a high; but it was more of a medium.

It’s over. Now, where’s that party popper I was saving for a special occasion?


4 Responses to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 – Review

  1. filmfellahenry says:

    Nice review Lozz, bet you’re glad that ordeal is over. At least it’s nice to know that Pattinson isn’t the biggest Twilight fan either:

    • Thanks man. I just checked that clip out. He’s not as much of a douche as I thought. At least he was fully aware that these movies were a bunch of toss. But now he’s a millionaire. He ain’t stupid.

  2. TwilightLover says:

    I am disgraced that you would disrespect the Twilight Saga in this way. I love the film its the best thing since well the books. OH EM GEE!!

  3. Aniruddha Rege says:

    I’m a little late in commenting on this brilliant review. This is spot on. The books were drivel, and the movies adapted them beautifully! Horrible movie…

    You gave it 3.5…i gave it 4 in my review on my blog. But that’s only because of Martin Sheen and the battle scene.

    Also, thank you for calling Stephanie Meyer a theif…you made my day!

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