The Top 10 Worst Superhero Movies
November 12, 2012 3 Comments
So, you have seen the best, how about we visit some of the worst? In compiling this list I had a plethora of choice. The problem was that most of the worst superhero films were made back in the day. Stinkers such asSpider-Man, The Dragons Challenge/Spider-Man Strikes Back, Superman and the Mole Menand the massively racistAbar, The First Black Superman all leapt out at me ripe for condemnation. But, then I paused and thought about it. The people responsible for this toss just simply didn’t know better. They were restricted by the studios who did not really understand the material enough to support it with a massive budget. Moreover the technology to shoot the film and make it look believable simply, did not exist plus David Koepp wasn’t writing screenplays back then either. In short, superhero films prior to say, Superman in 1978 did not stand a chance of being amazing, an essential ingredient that encompasses the real drive behind superhero movies.
I then decided that in order for this list to work, it had to be compiled with one clear message in mind. The top ten shit superhero films ought to have known better because firstly, the top ten shit superhero films would have to have had a large budget and secondly command high expectation. After all, in the last 3 decades superhero films are now a common feature in cinemas across the whole world, soooooo, they should be good, they should be fuckin brilliant. These are a list of superhero films that just weren’t super at all. The golden stink nuggets at the bottom of the pile of superhero films I like to call…
Part 2: The Worst Top 10.
“You’re shit and you know you are/you’re shit and you know you are/you’re shit and you know you are/you’re shit and you know you are…”(repeat) – An old English football ground chant to the tune of Go West by The Village People.
10. Film: Spawn. (Image Comics: 1997)
Opinion: This is a film that should have smashed the box office. It didn’t. This is a film with so much potential it should have been the best film of the nineties. It wasn’t. This is Spawn. In death, Al Simmons is given a chance to be Satan’s soldier elite, designed to lead a hellish army on an assault on earth for the souls that Satan craves. Instead, he breaks out so he can see his wife. He gets a hit put on him by the dark lord himself and hell breaks loose in a truly imaginative way. Don’t get me wrong, the visuals at the time were pretty good, however shite they may appear nowadays, but the story, much like the stories in the comics, doesn’t really go anywhere. What you’re left with is an ear deafening assault owing largely to a very poor heavy metal soundtrack, some really really bad writing and piss poor acting, surprisingly including screen legend, Martin Sheen. Creator Todd Macfarlan should get this remade, that might be worthwhile, but this version is toss. I kinda like it though because I like the idea/concept, am a fan of the comics and the hardcore brutality therein and I liked John Leguizamo as the Violator/Clown, but generally, despite all of it’s potential, Spawn failed. That’s why it makes the number 10 spot.
Shitness: The writing. Above all else, this is my main criticism of the film. Potential squandered here in bucket loads.
Worst Scene: Any of the scenes with Martin Sheen, bloody horrendous.
Film Fact: Alex Proyas was originally going to direct but pulled out of the project to work on Dark City. Bummer.
9. Steel. (DC Comics: 1997)
Opinion: So, Shaquille O’ Neal is John Henry Irons aka Steel. He designs technical weapons, ha, Shaq designs, technical weapons, bad start. One of these weapons causes some trouble, so Shaq quits in disgust and then puts his skills to good use fighting the crooks that use weapons. Only he does it like a low rent Ironman, no kidding, he uses stuff from his Uncle Joe’s junk yard to build his armour. Now, you would be forgiven for not seeing this one, not many have, but it exists nonetheless like a stubborn shit stain on your favourite underpants. Shaq got game, but he sure as shit ain’t an actor. He is more like a massive lumbering presence akin to the Yeti wandering in and out of movies during the 1990’s. He is also responsible for such kak as Kazaam and Blue Chips. Well played Shaq, you star in kak. I must however not fall into the trap and blame all of this on Shaq, after all, the people who made this film free-styled the superhero Steel to suit themselves – see what I did there? This plan not only took a massive shit on the DC Comics Steel which is actually a pretty cool comic book but also showed how movie makers in Hollywood can fuck up a good idea. So far that’s two superhero films, that were shite, utter shite, in one year. What the fuck was going on in 1997?
Shitness: This film is cheesy. So cheesy in fact that it is actually made out of Stilton.
Worst Scene: After Steel leaves an action set piece, the following turd dialogue can be heard:
Sgt. Marcus: Where did that son-of-a-buck (yes really, son-of-a-buck.) go?
Young Cop: The Batcave?
Cue me, shouting, “You suck!!!” Just after, I left the theatre in disgust.
Film Fact: Steel, as mentioned above, is a DC Comics character. In the comic book, he was directly inspired by Superman when the Man of Steel saved his life metaphorically and literally. Since then, John Henry Irons sports Superman’s shield in homage to Kal-El, see pic below. In the movie, the existence or not of Superman is not touched, but John is related to the last son of Krypton via his tattoo, if you can spot it. You get mad nerd points if you do.
8. Jonah Hex. (DC Comics: 2010)
Opinion: This film, was rubbish because it REALLY did not capture any of the essence of what the comic books are all about. Hex is a Batman-type but in the Wild Wild West. He is a character with a really thorough back-story, a witness to and participant in many western highlights, a warrior who has honed his skills to the utmost proficiency, but, in this, stink nugget courtesy of Horton Hears a Who! director Jimmy Hayward, he is nothing more than a disfigured anti-hero in a rush. The movie felt like it had nothing to offer, even with usual lads favourite Megan Fox providing the boobie factor and John ‘genius’ Malkovich chewing his way through dialogue, goddam it, this movie should have known better fo sho. This is what happens when you take really serious, hard hitting material and turn it into a hellish version of Toy Story 2. If you haven’t seen it, just avoid it. This film is not worth the effort, which is really sad. It belongs in limbo, forgettable at number seven, drifting on the last rung of the top portion of a random list forged within a boundless spiders web which we call the internet. Shame on you Hollywood. Shame. In case you are wondering, so what’s the film all about, I haven’t seen it, could it be that bad? Well, I’m not even gonna run through a synopsis of this film, it would be a waste of time, trust.
Shitness: This is a classic example of ‘How to fuck up a decent story in 10 days.’
Worst Scene: Any of them could claim this prize, it is an easy prize to claim.
Film Fact: Talk about a rush, Megan Fox shot her last scene 48 hours before the cast & crew attended the San Diego Comic Con in 2009. Rush=mess.
7. Batman and Robin. (DC Comics: 1997.)
Opinion: Goddam, 1997 was a suck year (further ’97 examples have already been detailed). Microsoft bought a shit load of shares in Apple, Bill Clinton took on his second term and Joel Schumacher released this total crap Batman movie. I consider this to be worse than the stylized Gothic romance of Batman Forever because of the wealth of potential that was squandered in favour of a shit script, shit production value, cheesy acting and the most blatant overuse of employing a pun in every other sentence. This is Batman and Robin. A worthy entrant into the top ten at number 7 because despite its utter shiteness, it still retains a charm and can easily be described as the most camp and unrealistic jaunt into superhero territory ever taken. But… What were they thinking when they fudged this atrocity together? Honestly, it’s too stupid not to be impressed by.
For starters, this film sends out the wrong message straight away. See that poster above? Well, Arnie is top billing in that poster and fault #1 was born. Making a movie around the villain of the piece should maybe have been called something other than Batman and Robin. According to this movie, the film should immediately be re- titled as, Mister Freeze and the cliché crew vs Batman, Robin, Batgirl and the kitchen sink. Longer title granted, but more honest.
The other thing that irks me about this film is its blatant decadence. If you want to just piss studio money up a wall and call it art or, a movie, then this is how you do that. Batman and Robin is like a paint by numbers of fucking up a franchise. After this stinker, we had to wait for Nolan, so therefore, in a roundabout way, I can’t place this any lower on the list. I can’t do it because, Nolan’s arrival made reinventing Batman all the more better. After this, it couldn’t have been worse.
Shitness: Placing the campness and the shitness generally to one side, I can safely say the shitness factor in this is born out of the SHIT scrip. So bad, it is SHIT.
Worst Scene: “Everything Freezes!!”
Film Fact: Stallone was second choice to play Mr Freeze and Hulk Hogan was third choice. Sheesssh.
6. Film: Spider-Man 3. (Marvel Comics: 2007)
Opinion: I am a Spider-Man fan. I loved the first two. This one however, I simply hated. Hated it. Too many characters, script went silly and dull for way too many scenes, it was a travesty. I have seen this once. The one time I saw it at the cinema, that’s it. Never again, just a sad sad time of my life. Sony, let go of Spider-Man, he does not belong to you to ruin exclusively.
Shitness: That they made this film is shit. It is shit that they made The Amazing Spider-Man as well, when Spidey should have been in the Avengers movie instead. That would have been brilliant.
Worst Scene: The scene when Parker dances around on tables and shit. Totally cringe!!
Film Fact: It cost like $350 million to make this. Believe it. What a fuckin waste of money.
Side Note: In protest I add no pictures to this post at number 6 because I feel the picture I have used above speaks volumes enough.
5. Ghost Rider. (Marvel Comics: 2007)
Opinion: A stinker from an asshole named Mark Steven Johnson, an asshole because he is responsible for more than just this. Stuntman Johnny Blaze, makes a deal with the devil to get revenge, great idea, in theory. He then decides to turn the power he is granted in return for his soul on the evil doers when Blackheart, son of Satan, makes a play to run riot over the earth. Ghost Rider, a skull on a motorcycle, with chains, is all that can save the day. BORED.
Honestly, this is a comic book that they should never have turned into a movie. For starters the comic book is in a league of its own. Brilliant visuals, tight writing, a real good Marvel anti-hero, Marvel’s Spawn if you will. So, getting the main character right for the big screen was always going to be a tough task, but making it look good, making it look believable or at least worthwhile was something the movie makers failed to do. From that point on, Ghost Rider was just silly. It looked like someone drew a crude CG skull and placed it on top of a body. This movie fails because it looks stupid from beginning to end.
Nicholas Cage is a great actor, sometimes, see the hits and shits blog by FilmfellaLozz for a balanced viewpoint, but, in this Cage is crap. Usually I like crap Cage. I like his silly accents and the way that he nails the frustrated look, but, seriously, he was lame as fuck in this. The whole film was lame. It was like watching a dishevelled circus clown wandering around with a limp.
The story was ass, the action was ass, especially the demons that attack him, so pathetic, the main characters were ass, it was all ass. The people who made this, should have known way better. Hollywood bastards. Typical.
Shitness: The main character, he looks shit.
Worst Scene: The mirror scene. Nic Cage going to lows he should never have gone to. Weak.
Film Fact: Wanna know why the writing was so bad? Well, Nic Cage actually wrote sections of the script. Go figure. Never let a fan make a movie, see Superman Returns.
4. Superman Returns. (DC Comics: 2006)
Opinion: Arguably one of the most popular and beloved of all superheroes, Superman has been going strong for a very long time. The majesty of The Man of Steel is celebrated the world over and yet, we are still waiting for a film that does not only the character justice, but also the action spectacle and grandeur that Superman commands.
They began making worthy Superman films in 1978 when Richard Donner cast his eye on the potential for Krypton’s finest. Years later, Bryan Singer picks up the franchise, the third instalment after the first two. Superman 3 and 4 ignored and a fan at the helm. Bad mix. This is where Superman faltered before it was even released. Never let a fan make the movie. Singer over emotionalised this picture and crammed way too much substance in. The result is boring at too many junctions. Superman is anything but boring. Error made. Secondly, sufficient time had elapsed for the material to be re-imagined. Look at Star Trek and Terminator Salvation as examples of films that succeeded rejuvenating older material. Instead Singer picked up from the middle of an era of film that wasn’t up to the task of creating a truly excellent version of Superman. He didn’t take it back to formula and as a result, the movie faltered again. Error made.
Superman Returns follows Superman on his journey back from obscurity. He learns that life has moved on without him and he once again looks within himself for answers to some very tough questions. He does some cool stuff but mostly its all very talky. Lex Luthor is a highlight, he hatches a nut-case plan to emerge as the victor in a battle of brains v brawn. A bit silly but we forgive. In fact Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey were ok in this, it’s just a pity the material they were working with was lacklustre and dry like a 72 day old beached whale’s vagina.
Superman however as portrayed in this film is ultimately a bit too whimpering and moody. Not Brandon Routh’s fault though, he looked the part and Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) was a tidy character as well. In this Superman carries woe on his shoulders as well as mountains partly made of Kryptonite. He plods through the film sniffing around Lois whose circumstances have changed somewhat and he has a son. Phew, that’s a lot of drama. Problem is apart from a brilliant scene where Supes saves a falling space shuttle/aeroplane by parking it in a baseball stadium, the rest of the action is a tad droll. No spice, no umpf. Superman deserves better. His character is edgier than most will admit to realising and he has the might of a god in the punch of his fist. He DESERVES better and everyone who watched this regardless of whether they liked the movie or not will admit that the film could have been way better. Superman needs saving and that in itself is a sad thing. I am however hopeful for Zack Snyder’s much anticipated vision of earth’s greatest champion. If he can capture some of the genius he rendered for Watchmen and combine it with the legend of Superman, maybe Kal-El will be redeemed. I would be happier if Nolan was in charge because he resurrected another of DC Comics’ fallen heroes, Batman.
Shitness: The drama of it all. Since when was Superman a rom-com????
Worst Scene: Any with Kate Bosworth. A rubbish Lois.
Film Fact: It took twelve years and three directors with very different visions before we got this underwhelming offering.
3. Daredevil. (Marvel Comics: 2003.)
Opinion: We all know what this one is about right? No? Basically, it is about this dude who gets splashed in the eyes with some toxic shit as a child while witnessing his father’s murder. He is then blind but finds his other senses becoming increasingly over compensating for the lack of sight. A hero is born, a blind hero of justice. Spider- Man with horns and a cane. He goes head to head with an assassin with a silly, obvious skin pattern and giant cuddly warrior mob boss and it is directed by Mark Steven Johnson. Y’all up to speed?
So anyway, I dislike this film, for a number of reasons. Let’s look at a few shall we?
Firstly, Ben Affleck. I disapprove of Ben Affleck. Nothing says “I’m safe” like Ben “I’m safe” Affleck. Even if he is in an edgier role, he still looks altogether too ‘Captain America-ish’ to be Daredevil. Daredevil is the opposite to safe. The clue is in the name, Daredevil, you rarely do something traditionally considered to be safe, if you’re a Daredevil. In fact, you would go out of your way to do dangerous stuff, unsafe things, because you love the thrill. Ben Affleck doesn’t thrill. He is good, but, he is no Heath Ledger, or Robert Downey Junior, he’s Ben Affleck. He is the human metaphor of rice. He has that whole ‘American-thing’ nailed, but it doesn’t give him an edge. His character/persona, is all wrong for Daredevil. Ben Affleck is the diet coke of Daredevils. You know who would have made a better Daredevil? Anyone else.
Secondly, this Daredevil guy, who works for like really low pay remember, sans mega-funds, has hi-tech shit and mad fighting skills and being blind doesn’t slow him down at all? Like, his other senses are so fricken super awesome, just because some toxic shit got sprayed in his face when he was a kid? How is it that this guy, is as agile and nimble as Spider-Man? He is blind, has no money, lives like a celebrity playboy, has cool shit, can be agile like Spidey? It’s convenient as hell. It is sloppy because, it, just, is. This film sure as shit doesn’t have, Cohesion and Transition… Click here: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=dare_devil to understand what this means, you will be glad you did.
Thirdly, the Kingpin. In the comics the Kingpin looked like a scary dude.
The Kingpin in Marvel Comics. Note the crazed look in his eye (left), his menacing shape and dimensions (right).
Now, look at these images of Michael Clarke Duncan…
AAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh, what a lovely bloke. Note the nice beaming smile (right) and the good solid values (left). I would give him a big hug, wouldn’t you?
So, can you see where I’m going here? In this, Kingpin, Daredevil’s nemesis, is played by Michael Clarke Duncan, aka the big softee in Green Mile, aka ‘Bear’ in Armageddon, aka Sam in Cats and Dogs, come on people????? He puts the frighteners on me much like the way remembering I left a door unlocked at my home when I’m leaving for a holiday frightens me. Not so much. I could easily call someone to go round the house and lock up, no big deal. Similarly they could have decided to put a proper Kingpin in the film and stop fucking around with characters, easy. But they didn’t when they made this film. Duncan is not even scary in Sin City, and everyone, like everyone, in Sin City is a bit scary. Good grief, this film got it soooo wrong. Even Colin Farrell was lame as Bullseye. Just terrible. It was all crap. Look at this…
Shitness: You know, it is all shit. A combination of all of the wrong elements and all of the right ones, but ballsed up beyond all belief. Maybe it is because I was never convinced by the comic books, maybe it’s because this film is just a turd, but, either way, they should’ve known better. Kevin Smith being a pivotal underused link in this piece. Would have been interesting.
Worst scene: All of the slow motion bits, they were style over substance. Therefore, at least three quarters of the movie were sleep inducing.
Film Fact: Apparently, getting Daredevil’s costume right was one of the hardest aspects of the whole production and took approximately 7-8 months to get it right with the help of scores of genius costume makers, which, begs the question…in reality, how would one blind guy, with no money, few skills, get this done? Exactly!
2. Elektra. (Marvel Comics: 2005)
Opinion: This movie, is an utter kak-fest. It would irritate me to discuss this one at any length, so, I will keep it simple. Watch something else.
Jennifer Garner is wrong for this film, she just is. The character created by the legend Frank Miller in 1980 as a spin-off to Daredevil, in at number 3, is NOTHING LIKE THIS DRESSED UP TOSSBAG PUKEFEST OF A FILM. Elektra as forged at the hands of comic book genius is a viscous ass kicker raised from the dead. She is so hot she can burn out your peripherals but is as dangerous as it would be if you went up to a hungry lion and then slapped it full force in the face. Elektra would tear yo shit up. Jennifer Garner was that chick from 13 going on 30. Fuck off Jennifer Garner. Below is pictorial evidence of how Marvel fucked this up by retrieving a shit bit part character from another shit comic book movie fail and then made another long shit movie about it.
Elektra was crap and EVERYONE who loves comic books knew it could have been so much better. When are they going to make a good female lead comic book movie? When?
Shitness: This film is just awful.
Worst Scene: All of them.
Film Fact: According to film director Rob Bowman, this film was supposed to be R- Rated but had to be “toned down” due to contractual reasons. I say, who gives a fuck? It has Jennifer Garner in it…fuck off. Like that would have made an ounce of difference Bowman, you fuckin douche! Go back to TV, oh, wait, he did.
1. Catwoman. (DC Comics: 2004.)
Opinion: This is the most obvious selection in a list ever. In at number one as the worst superhero film ever made, it’s CATWOMAN! What a pile of shit train wreck of a film this is. Celebrated as a stinker of gargantuan levels, Halle Berry herself was once heard to remark the following of this film critics vomited on the world over…
“I want to thank Warner Bros. for casting me in this piece-of-shit, god-awful movie”.
So why the dubious acclaim? Why is this film universally despised? The answer is simple, the assholes who made this crap really ought to have known better. You start at the beginning of the process of making such a film by considering the following… (call it my one step procedure to ensuring success when making a comic book movie.)
Catwoman, according to the boffins at Wikipedia, has been ranked #11 on IGN‘s “Top 100 Comic Book Villains of All Time” list, ranked #20 on IGN’s “Top 100 Comic Book Heroes of All Time” list, ranked #51 on Wizardmagazine’s “100 Greatest Villains of All Time” list and 23rd in Comics Buyer’s Guide‘s“100 Sexiest Women in Comics” list.
Step one then…If you can’t live up to the hype, stay the fuck away from it. Catwoman is a character that commands a more worthy offering than what some Frenchman named “Pitof” slopped up garnished with the hotness of Halle Berry. Pitof, we get it, Halle is hot, but her hotness alone is NOT THE BASIS FOR A GOOD MOVIE.
Pitof…look at these examples of Halle Berry being hot, but, crucially, being hot in decent films…
Shitness: You see, the appeal vanishes when you bombard the audience with an unrepentant 104 minutes of trash dialogue, arse scripting and woeful direction. When you make a film with crap, don’t be surprised if it turns out as crap. This film is crap, but don’t just take my word for it, it has a 9% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes , it also holds a 27% approval rating on Metacritic and a user score of 3.6, which means “generally unfavourable” and, Roger Ebert hated it too.
Worst Scene: Every single frame of this rubbish. This film was NOTHING like the comic books, it failed for numerous reasons but above all, it failed because the knobs who made it really, like really, should have known better. Congratulations shit-heads, yo film ends up as number one on yet another movie shit list. Let it never be forgotten.
Film Fact: Apparently, 43 cats were trained for the film and Berry adopted one of them afterwards, an orange and white kitten named Play Dough. And this is why this film is toss. I’m off to puke, also…FACT.
My name is FilmfellaJames, I dedicate this blog post to the legend that is Michael Clarke Duncan, may he rest in peace.
Now go put the kettle on. Yo.