Top 10 Shit Items from the Movies

I don't want one.

A list of shit from the movies, I would not want, if I had the option to own it.

It’s part two of my stuff from movies blog, it’s crammed full of things I would hate to own if they were real and if they could be owned.  It’s a foil list to my top ten awesome things I would want from movies.  It’s the list that places itself on the shit heap of movie lists, a place that condemns certain items from the movies into a sorrowful pit of despair.  This shit is the opposite to what an Oscar is.  This is a list that celebrates the polished turds of cinema.  I call them, the Enemas.

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In at Number ten…..

10. Movie:  The Evil Dead.   Item:  The Tape Recorder with demonic incantations in Sumerian and Babylonian on it.

 

Talk about bad times.  Disregarded by a group of foolish assholes, this seemingly innocuous tape recorder remained unplayed in a cabin in the woods, until a witless passer by with curious intent presses play.  What happens next is horrific, incantations from the “Naturan Demanto” that resurrect angry demons are heard throughout an eerie forest, the perfect setting for some midnight evil shenanigans.

If you ain’t seen the Evil Dead then you really need to in order to appreciate what a shit time the group of youngsters endure as a result of this item of shiteness being played.

Fancy being chased by a tree determined to rape you, or, better still, fancy keeping a crazy old demon woman creature in your basement?  Then this is the item that will fill that need.  It will populate your world with evil in a very real way.  Plus it’s a tape recorder, cheap.

If you don’t fancy that, then like me your placing this item in your top ten things to keep the fuck away from.  Well done, sanity has prevailed.  Now, step away from the tape recorder.

9.  Movie:  Forest Gump.  Item:  His sneakers.

 

A lot of people loved the idea of having sneakers like Forests when this movie came out.  They were retro looking and they were Nikes as well and even I had a pair, but, you know what?  These sneakers do not stand the test of time like they did for Forest.

After years wearing them, mine ended up becoming all mis-shaped and uncomfortable.  They also looked shit.  You know how some shoes gather character when they get old?  Well these don’t and if you got particularly large feet it’s a guarantee your pair will end up looking like clown shoes after a years use.

The other thing about this particular item is that if you owned the exact pair that Forest owned, you would in effect be owning a smelly pair of shitty old looking clown shoes with a big ol swooosh on the side drawing attention to the fact.  He ran all over the place in those bad boys, think they would be comfy?  Get the hell outta here, these sneakers wouldn’t even look good bronzed, or, maybe they would, shit does look kinda cool when its bronzed.  Maybe that’s why they been doing it all these years, polishing up bits of ornamental crap and tat by whacking some bronze on it.  Gotta say though, I cant help feeling that a bronzed effect wouldn’t help solve the issue, it didn’t for Jodie Marsh, she still ugly, just more well defined.  Exactly like a pair of Forest Gump sneakers recently bronzed.

These sneakers me no likey.

8.  Movie:  Orgazmo.  Item:  The Orgazmorator. (The thing on the dudes arm.)

In theory, much like communism, this item could be cool.  In reality it would not, as expertly demonstrated by the trials and tribulations of our hero Joe Young (Trey Parker) when he dons his costume and attaches his Orgazmorator becoming Orgazmo.  Safe sex just got real sticky.

This machine, when fired at the genitals creates an instant and intensely powerful orgasm.  It renders all of Orgazmo’s foes useless in the throws of in-pants bliss as gallons and gallons of spunk flow forth like the river underneath New York in Ghostbusters 2.  It’s an epic weapon with an Amsterdam feel so it kinda makes you think this should be on my other list, however, this is when theory stops being cool.

Ultimately one must consider the effects using this item would have if you were a jerk by nature.  You know the kind of guy I’m talking about, the asshole with the snide remark at the end of the table, the one who thinks it’s cool to keep cats in boxes or twisted shit like that.  Imagine this guy having one of these.  It would just make him an epic jerk.  There you would be, at the check-out with a trolley load of stuff and in walks the jerk with the Orgazmorator firing at will, unrepentant like a gun man on top of a bell tower firing at the scattering masses, only, he ain’t killing people, he is just making them spunk in their pants.  All of the victims paralysed in genital supernova-like activity, the Merovingian from the Matrix would be impressed.  So might you at the time, but, when it’s over, you just got wet pants.  Bad times.

Therefore I have come (ha) to the conclusion that I am glad this is an item one could never have the opportunity of owning because a) it’s better if you can achieve that orgasm effect doing it with a chick for starters and b) too many jerks in this world just means at one time, if it could happen, you just know your gonna be spunking into your pants, quite probably in public, cause that’s the kinda shit that would happen to you, right?  Nuff said.

7.  Movie:  Hellraiser.  Item:  The Lemarchands Box (Lament Configuration).  A.K.A The Puzzle Box.

Imagine your surprise when after sitting down to have a go on a fancy Rubiks Cube you instead end up invoking hell and all of its hideous deformed, sado-masochistic fury, complete with a gang of ugly blokes in tow lead by a grim fellow with pins all over his face.  You would need a cup of tea fo sho.

My Filmfella comrade Henry ‘the brown-eye’ Brown wanted this nugget included in his list of top 10 awesome things, but he is fucked up.  He likes listening to death metal in the dark cursing his parents and probably wanks furiously over his canvasses instead of using brushes to paint, so it stands to reason that of course he would want this in his list.  Would you though?  I gotta say, most of you just wouldn’t because for one it’s not big or clever to unleash hell and secondly it’s dangerous.  Lets all be sensible and not ever want to have this thing on the table.  It is a bad times maker, go watch Hellraiser though, it’s so insane its worth it.  Kind of.

6.  Movie:  The Peanut Butter Solution.  Item:  The Peanut Butter Solution.

This movie is one from the 80’s that haunts many people my age.  My cousins Lawrence and Alex in particular, recalled the tale of the kids that happened upon a cure for baldness that got out of control.  A cure made of peanut butter.

There a many scary things in this world (for Filmfellalozz definitely, as nuts can kill him because he’s allergic to nuts.) but, imagine for a moment, rampaging hair?  I shave my head regularly cause it’s easier and makes me look mean, however with this stuff, shaving wouldn’t help and everyone would look like that guy Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen or that other guy, Nicky Clarke.  Bad times for everyone then.  Bad times.  Just real bad times.

5.  Movie:  Goldfinger.  Item:  Oddjobs Bowler Hat.

Come on, back in 1998 this sold for £62,000.00.  But what is it ultimately?  A steel-rimmed hat that belonged to a portly villain in an old Bond Movie.

I bet Bond enthusiasts are groaning in dismay reading this, but, because Bond has better villains and better stuff, this has to be among the weakest of them all in real terms, even for the movies, a fact parodied in the Austin Powers franchise when a shoe is thrown, like honestly, “who throws a shoe?”  This is the point.

In order to use this weapon effectively you have to be a murderer with a real good arm.  Lets face it being portly and cuddly-looking don’t make you less villain-like when your throwing a steel brimmed hat at peoples heads.  If you cut a head off by throwing a steel brimmed hat, it’s still murder right?  Yep.  So unless you wanna use it for purpose, what have you got?  A heavy hat.  Sounds like a Woody Allen joke in the making to me.

4.  Movie:  Cyborg. Item:  Switchblade Boots.

 

So, this film was one of my favourites as a child.  I recently watched it again, with adult eyes, it was actually utter shit.  My love for Jean-Claude Van Damme often blurred my critical opinion of his films because whatever he was in, I loved.  Even the low rent crap he did, LOVED IT.

The boots he wore in Cyborg contained a sneaky switchblade, which when activated (the blade came out the front, wow.) became an opportunity for Jean-Claude to put his kicks into the ‘I kill you with my boot’ category.  The thing is, Jean-Claude got mad skills with the kicks, how would his boots benefit me?  I have no mad kicking skills unless a football is on the end of my foot and even then, I couldn’t rock my boots the way Jean-Claude rocks anything.

The other thing about the switchblade boots that irks me is that, it’s actually a cool device, an interesting weapon and it cropped up in a James Bond movie, as a shoe, albeit more lame than Jean-Claudes boots, but still nevertheless it is good enough for Bond, master of the gadget shit.  Therefore I realised when drawing up this list that the boots with the concealed knives had to go in relatively high because on the one hand it emphasised the shitness of this film, which made me sad and as an item, because I would be unable to use it properly, rendering it pointless, for me. (I’m very biased, can you tell, very subjective.)

3.  Movie:  Drag Me To Hell.  Item:  The cursed button.

 

So it is a blurry picture, but what the odd looking old dear is holding up, is a button with a curse attached.  A curse that will drag whoever has possession of the button to hell.  Need I elaborate on this, a nugget of bad times from the movie Drag Me To Hell?  Aah go on then…

What a shit item to have, a button that sends you to hell faster than a Fastpass at a roller coaster theme park.  Straight to hell eventually, but not before you endure utter torment by sneaky ghost beasties, horrific visions and a constant feeling of heat nipping at your heals.

I’m gonna try to get one for my boss as a gift.  If it works and/or could exist maybe then I would move it onto my other list, but till then, being the subjective list maker that I am, it remains high up on the shit list.  I would avoid anyone giving me such a trinket at all costs, based on this film, so should you.

I have tried to make deals with the devil on a number of occasions all without success, so much so that I question his existence daily, however, with this, who needs him?  The button would get the job done.  Now all I gotta do is track down an aged old gypsy lady with a knack for the occult, cross her palm with silver and get me a cursed button…or, not, you never know, it could end up making an unwanted return in your pocket one day while your waiting for a train.

2.  Movie:  Robot Monster.  Item:  Ro-Man. (The suit)

 

This has to be one of the shitest, lame, pathetic and cheap monster suits ever conceived.

This is an old film, so to an extent most of the content of this deplorable attempt at sci-fi horror, regardless of time, can be forgiven.  But the main thing in it, Ro-Man, the villain, was shit.  He was shit because, for one he didn’t look like a monster, he looked like a bloke in an ape suit with a deep sea divers helmet on and secondly, he looked like a bloke in an ape suit wearing a deep sea divers helmet.

He was sent to earth as the scout for an army of the shitest invaders, ordered to capture a few humans for study later on.  He wipes out everyone else on earth except like 6 cast members, yeah, everyone else, dressed as an ape in a deep sea divers helmet and then gets confused about his purpose as he learns more about us.  That doesn’t stop him spending most of the movie trying to kill off the remaining few, contrary to his mission, but then he falls in love with one of the female survivors.  Basically King Kong in a deep sea divers helmet from space.

The movie was toss, the story was toss, but the bloke in the ape suit with a deep sea divers helmet was by far the most toss thing about it.  Utter garbage.  A worthy number 2.

1.  Movie:  Masters of the Universe.  Item:  The Cosmic Key.

 

It was 1987.  I was 8, full of wide eyed wonderment and mischief and a gargantuan fan of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.  This was an exciting time to be a kid and Mattel pimped this show with all its might.  The He-Man phenomenon was massive where I grew up.  It was everywhere and I was usually at the front of the line when a new toy went up for sale.

I was literally psyched out of my mind for the big screen ‘real life’ movie version of the show I adored.  Then I went to watch it and it all fell apart.

I remember leaving the cinema at the end of the film and turning to my father for support.  He always had something good to say about the stuff I was interested in, except John Barnes, he played for Liverpool, so I couldn’t talk about how awesome he was, but, this time he just shook his head and said, “what the hell was that bloody trumpet thing He-Man was trying to get?”  He was right, this goddam device was in essence the very reason why this film was at its core a bag of crap.

The Cosmic Key, never in the T.V shows, neither was fuckin Gwildor, teleports the heroes from Eternia, (during what can only be described as a celestial jam session when the buttons are pressed) to earth, upstaging what could have been a really cool opening battle between He-Man and Skeletor’s henchmen.  Nah, instead, this potential evaporated in the haze as the movie diverted away from all the cool shit that made Masters of the Universe awesome and set the scene instead on location in ‘who gives a fuck U.S.A town’.

I was destroyed, I kept waiting for the movie to start, I was willing He-Man and his gang to hurry the fuck up, find the shitty looking piece of metal and get back to it in Eternia where the good stuff was.  Goddam it, the Sorceress was in trouble and He-Man is fannying about outside Starbucks?  Fuck off!!  I blame this key thing.

Interesting fact.  It cost $150,000.00 to make it, as a fucking prop, it went up for auction with a guide price of $6,000.00 – $8,000.00.  That says it all, but, wait…It had a team on standby during filming in case it didn’t work properly.  They called the team the “Cosmic Key Team”.  I hope all of the people responsible for this ‘key’ got gonorrhoea and died.

I later sold all of my He-Man stuff, bought a mountain bike and tried to get on with my life, that was until they fuckin made Jar Jar fuckin Binks.  What a cunt.

About filmfellajames
Film critic and blogger, part time rap master, loves UNITED!!!

5 Responses to Top 10 Shit Items from the Movies

  1. Ace list! I think I’ve only seen Masters of the Universe when it was released, I guess I’d have been 10; I can’t remember it being any worse than I’d expected a MOTU film to be, but then I wasn’t that big a He-Man fan. I was however a MASSIVE Transformers fan (do I win in the Childhood being Shat on stakes?).

    Orgazmo sound hilarious, possibly the worst idea since Flesh Gordon!

  2. FilmrRuss. You certainly do, to an extent,because Transformers is a bit wank, the action set pieces are gargantuan though and really well produced whereas the action set pieces in MOTU were just kak. There was talk that John Woo was gonna do another MOTU movie because he was a fan and also thought the Dolph version was utter shite and deserved better. Alas it never took off and now the concept is in limbo.

    Orgasmo was HILLARIOUS dude, you gotta see it.

    Thanks for the comment.

    FilmfellaJim. Yo

  3. filmfellahenry says:

    Good list Jim, despite your defamation of my clean cut character ;-). Masters of the Universe was indeed bollocks. Setting stuff like that on earth is simply lazy and unimaginative – see Thor for case in point.

    Would probably add the Doomsday Device from Dr Strangelove to the list: the ultimate game-ender when you want no-one to win. Only childish buffoons would ever entertain such a self-destructive tantrum weapon.

  4. filmfellaDarren says:

    Another original concept here James – it made me laugh at least five times and got me thinking about what i’d add to the list. I would have to go for the remote control in the Adam Sandler flick, Click. Within the film, C Walken gives Sandler a device that would allow him to fast forward, rewind and even pause the lives of unsuspecting folk. Can you imagine how awful it would be for someone with the mentality of Sandler to have a device like that? He could pause your world, and say, repeatedly kick you in the balls, for hours on end, leaving you clutching your nads on the floor, thinking you’d taken a beating from a poltergeist. Sandler would probably rape you whilst wearing the Jill costume and no one would know as he had a stupid fucking life manipulating device.

  5. Jenna says:

    Awww poor Forest Gumps trainers 😦 I love that movie! What about the teddy in A.I… just for pure creepiness alone? In theory it’s awesome but I did find myself getting increasingly annoyed by is morals and whiny voice. It has been years since I’ve seen it though (with good reason) so it might not be as bad as I remember. 🙂

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