The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (REVIEW)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (REVIEW)

by Laurence Manley – 1/10

Godamn it. Stephanie Meyer, you have raped something that is close to my heart. How do you get away with this shit?! Ok, so the movie based on half your book is utter tripe. This can only lead me to believe that the first half of your book is also utter tripe. See how this works? I mean, the movie looks alright, I guess, but the content; it made my eyes want to puke.  Three fucking scenes in the entire move. Three! An hour and 45 minutes, three scenes. What the shit is that about?!

Anyway, by now you know who we’re dealing with. Bella and Edward get married. Yes, married. A 300 year-old vampire and an 18 year-old girl. Riiiight. And everyone’s ok with this! They go on a honeymoon and bone each other the whole time. She then gets preggos super fast. Duh duh duh…..the vamp/human baby is killing her from the inside with his super strength. It is literally sucking her dry from the inside out. Nice. Hopefully it just jumps straight out of her belly, pulling her entrails on the way and bungy-jumping to the floor. No such luck. So, the three scenes are: Wedding. Honeymoon. Pregnant/dying. That’s the movie.

The wedding. Everyone’s happy. Tra la la la.  Vampires, wearwolves and humans.  They all hate each other, but they put that to the side for the big day. Of course they do. Jacob shows up late and subsequently gets pissed off with Bella when she tells him that her and Ed are gonna get down and dirty….now that they’re married n’ all. God forbid we talk about pre-marital sex. That’s just the sin of all sins. A 300-year old half dead guy boning a teenager is ok though, as long as he marries her first, apparently. The wedding goes on for about 40 minutes longer than it should.

Anyway, to the honeymoon. We see the two of them travelling to some island in the middle of nowhere. Then it’s time for Ed to seal the deal. Bella’s getting all dolled up for the big night; shaving her bits n’ bobs and trying sexy shit on. Is this really something that caters to the enjoyment of a 12 year-old who maybe watching this? Oh that’s right; there is a message: unprotected sex with a vampire results in a demon unborn half undead baby. So, kids beware! Oh and to stamp all over continuity; why is it now that Ed doesn’t sparkle in the sun? I’ve already moaned about him not burning up, but if you’re gonna mess with that shit and have him go all little miss sparkle, then stick to it!

To the vampire house where we spend the rest of the movie; like an hour I think. Here, Bella gets paler and skinnier as evil offspring starts inadvertently killing mommy. Ed’s like ‘we gotta get rid’. Bella’s like ‘it’s mine and I ain’t getting rid. I don’t care if it’s killing me. I’m gonna continue to be a grumpy stubborn bastard, even to the detriment of my life’. She get’s more and more unwell as she swells up to bursting point. All the while, Jacob’s wolf buddies can’t have a human/vampire birth. That’s a big no no. And so the treaty goes out the window. Jacob’s having none of it, and becomes an outcast.  They try n’ kill her. They don’t kill her. She gives birth. The end. Well, the end of the first half. Thank whichever gypo in the sky you pray to that there’s only one more of these shit fests left. Breaking Dawn Part 2, I’m ready for ya…..with some Molotov cocktails and a chainsaw. Bring it on.

Advertisements

One Response to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (REVIEW)

  1. Steve says:

    so you liked it then

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: