Walt’s Upon a Time: Part 1

Hellos fellows

So I thought I’d try to write a story (below) consisting of as many movie quotes as possible. This proved to be quite a challenge.

Anyway, I think it’s as coherent as I can make it. Let me know what you guys think and how many quotes you recognise (comment at end of post). There’ll be an awesome double thumbs up for the winner. Enjoy.


Walt’s Upon a Time: Part 1

This one time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. When I asked what the hell he was doing. He just simply said, we all go a little mad sometimes. Soon after this he killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. Ok, let’s backtrack.

He joined the forces, yer know. It was that or jail. He said my ass may be dumb, but I ain’t no dumbass. So, he went off to some far flung shithole of a country to do good for once in his shitty little life. One day he stumbled upon a monastery. These men have a supreme vow of celibacy, he told me – like their fathers and their fathers before them. A crowd that Walter could feel comfortable with, because yes, it’s true. This man has no dick. They trained him up to kick some bad guy ass, but Walt ain’t no soldier. The wise teacher, they call him Sandy Claws, taught him that life’s a garden…dig it. So, he threw him a stick and said gimme some sugar, baby. Walt tried his best but he couldn’t touch the guy. He said, stop trying to hit me and hit me, and with that thwacked him around the face with his toes. He stood laughing, preening his moustache. ‘Now use head for something other than target!’. Walt wiped his lip with the back of his hand and said, ‘Sandy, I ain’t got time to bleed’. I guess, because after all, winners go home and fuck the prom queen..

He soon left, trudging barefoot, the landscapes of nothingness, when he heard a noise. Barking he said. And screaming. I mean, when I see five weirdos stabbing a guy in broad daylight, I shoot the bastards. That’s my policy. But Walt wanders over and says something like ‘I will dropkick these fucking dogs if they come near me’. One of the terrorists turned and said he was foul mouthed. Foul mouthed? He said. Fuck you. I was like this isn’t going to have a happy ending. The sky suddenly became overcast, and the lead bad guy was like ‘it’s gonna rain cats and dogs’.

Personally I think people who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch. But anyway, Walt to the badly wounded man, said come with me if you want to live. The motley crew just laughed and asked, ‘are you crazy?’. With his eyes pointed to his hands, he said’ this is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for fighting, this is for fun. Leaving a bloody pile of corpses behind him, he remembered to take a pair of shoes, as he was getting terrible blisters. Oh no, too small. He thought, what’s the chances, ‘A hundred million terrorists in the world, and I gotta kill one with smaller feet than my sister. The guy he saved was a damned foreigner, so he decided he’d call him Jones.

Time passed and Walt had saved more and more people; and soon it wasn’t just him, as he had told me that lonliness has been following me my whole life. He called the team Me and my squad of ultimate bad-asses. So, the squad of ultimate bad-asses were on this mission, right. And they see this big dude roughing up some hot chick, right by this sweet hummer. So, Walt fires a warning shot and it just clips this guy’s ear. And he’s like, ‘oh I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? And don’t even think about it, coz I got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. I mean, how much you weighing? 350? I bet you big popeye chicken eatin’ motherfucker ain’t ya?’ Second thoughts, ‘I wanna see a fat guy run’, but before you go, give me the keys, you fucking cocksucker. Now go, ‘run Forrest, run’.

He turns to his squad and he’s like, don’t worry, I never forget an asshole. We’ll catch him up! The team and the hot chick, who incidentally tested very high on the strokability scale, piled into the hummer and off they went. Jones was like, ‘careful mister Walter, this ain’t like no highway or nothing.’ Walt turned to him and said, ‘Jones, where we’re going, we don’t need….roads!’

Written by @filmfellalozz


2 Responses to Walt’s Upon a Time: Part 1

  1. Luke Grima says:

    I think I counted 20 …

    • Luke,

      Nice. Spotting 20 quotes is pretty damn good. I’m interested to know which ones they are, but that would be a bit of a give away for other contenders. But at the moment, you’re a sure fire hit to get those extra special super duper thumbs up.

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