Coming (Too) Soon

Coming (Too) Soon

Movie trailers. Some are great. Some are specially made. Some are for awesome movies. But then there are some; well, there are some that are so poor or for movies that you know will be downright god awful, that we can’t allow them to just slip under the radar singing and dancing, pretending to be worthy of our eyeballs and eardrums; forcing their way into us by means of sneaksmart. You know, when you just want your damn movie to start at the cinema, but you have to sit through Stuff. Like. This:

The Host

Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Diane Krugar, William Hurt

Directed by: Andrew Niccol

Release Date: 22 March 2013

Here’s the trailer

My word, what a piece of shit. The first thing that smacks you straight in the face is ‘From Stephanie Meyer’. If that’s not enough to put you off, there’s one of those annoying voiceovers by the main character that appears was only created for the trailer itself. So, when a movie is based on a book by Meyer and there’s not enough in the trailer to tell you what it’s about, requiring the need for a voiceover, the alarm bells have gotta start ringing out loud and clear. The third deterrent would be the opening dialogue – ‘This is the beginning of a love story’. The beginning? That’s the scary bit, right there. Because you know what that means.  Man, this is Twilight all over again, but this time it’s a freaky deaky girl. Oh and throw in some ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ and any ‘last human survivors’ movie out there and what have you got? A load of toss, that’s what.

Beautiful Creatures

Starring: Alice Englert, Emma Thompson, Jeremy Irons

Directed by: Richard LaGravense

Release Date: 13 February 2013

Here’s the trailer

Oh I’m sorry, ‘Caster’. The friendly witch, perhaps. This is what cinema has become: A bunch of angst ridden emo teenagers firing stuff from their hands and Jeremy Irons trying to do an American accent…again. Just do a Hopkins or Cain, dude, and say fuck that shit, I’m British. Like it or lump it motherfuckers! You gotta love that part when the hot redhed says ‘Wasn’t I the same before I was claimed? And look at what I am now.’ What? The same, but with yellow contacts? Nooooooooo! Furthermore, Emma Thompson looks like an alcoholic mess of a southern white trash housewife who CGIs into something or other. I don’t really care. I think this trailer made me a little bit sad, knowing that Twilight has opened a door for every piece of ‘adolescents with powers in everlasting autumn’ literature to be adapted into a movie. And this all with the sounds of Florence and the Machine, you know, for more impact or something.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

Starring: Lily Collins, Jamie Campbell bower

Directed by: Harald Zwart

Release Date: 23 August 2013

Here’s the trailer

‘You’re not a mundane’ says the guy. Dude, I beg to differ. Once again, we find yet another adaptation about a hidden world within our own, blah blah, god damn blah. Once more, we see another bunch of ‘special’ teenagers (you know the ‘special’ I’m talking about; like if you lower your voice a few octaves and turn all the ‘sh’ sounds into ‘th’ sounds). Anyway, I digress. Meyer, you bastard. Digressed again. That guy from Fringe is here to give us the lo-down. Every story you here around a campfire is true, is it? So, the tapping on the outside of the tent is an impaled head wanting to come in and the postman did fuck your mom? Okey dokey then. This trailer just plays out like another Constantine or numerous episodes of Supernatural. And the music (Kaneda’s Death). That music, the melodic sounds that stirs emotion in movies for which it was intended, like Sunshine. Though, here it attempts to make something completely uninspired and unoriginal into something worth a damn. Failed.

So, you may think I’m just talking whack, and these movies are really you’re thing. Let me know. If you think the nail is hit right on the melon, then take time to confirm my musings. Here at TheFilmfellas, we’re always eager to hear what you guys think. Let us know. And together we can change….absolutely nothing, but it’s always amusing to take a poke at the celluloid atrocities coming our way, all too soon. More ‘Coming (Too) Soon’…ummm…coming soon.

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